My wife died last year. Cancer.
I haven’t talked about it because I didn’t want to weave my personal life into my business life.
But there you have it.
She died. And it sucks.
I’ve learned a few important things along the way. I’ll share those with you in a second.
But I also want to mention something that might surprise you.
I would love to say that she was gentle, loving, and kind in her last few days.
She wasn’t.
She was real, though.
She told me stuff that I didn’t want to hear. (Side note: We were both 100% faithful to each other for our entire marriage, so if you’re waiting for that, you’ll be disappointed.)
The main thing she said was that I should have been more present in our marriage.
It was always the “Jamie Turner Show” (which is what happens when your job is effectively self-promotion).
I pass that along to you in the event you’re not present in your marriage.
Don’t f*ck up the way I did.
Here are a few other lessons:
Anticipatory Grief: If you know someone whose spouse is going to eventually die, they go through something called anticipatory grief, which is grief before they die. If someone’s spouse dies of a heart attack, their grief starts that day. For me, it started 9 months before Dayna passed away, which was when the doctors said, “We’ve done all we can.”
Grief is Unique: Every person grieves differently. I know people who are still despondent 5 years after the death of their spouse. Be patient with them. And also don’t judge people who bounce back quickly.
Waves of Emotion: The grief will hit you at the oddest moments. It can be when you’re reaching for a bottle of milk, or when a breeze kicks up, or when you drive by the gas station you used to fill up at before family vacations.
Resilience: I always say the secret to success is not about IQ or the school you went to. It’s about resilience. The same holds true for recovery.
Self-Care: I mentioned this in a newsletter a few weeks ago. The secret to happiness isn’t self-care. It’s other-care. When you take care of other people, it builds your spirit.
Meditation: I hardly ever talk about self-care without also mentioning meditation. It has been the secret to my sanity. You can read how to meditate on my blog post on this website.
I hope this post was helpful to you in one way or another. I know I’ve found the quote below by Vivian Green to be of help to me. Hopefully, it’ll be of help to you, too.
About the Author: Jamie Turner is an internationally recognized author, professor, consultant, and speaker who has helped employees at The Coca-Cola Company, Holiday Inn, Verizon, Mercedes-Benz and others do a better job leading, managing, and mentoring others. To have him speak at your event or organization, email him at: Jamie@JamieTurner.Live