Excerpt from The Mirrored Door: Break Through the Hidden Barrier that Locks Successful Women in Place by Ellen Connelly Taaffe.
One of the best ways to ask for feedback is to reflect on your style and get feedback from those around you.
In my Personal Leadership Insights course, I ask MBA students to seek feedback from three people in their careers or lives who are “loving critics,” a term that author and psychologist Tasha Eurich uses to describe people who care about you and your future enough to give you the straight scoop.
[My business associate] Chuck was reluctant to do that for me at first; but without that knowledge, I don’t know that I would have ever stepped up to show my ownership and accountability. As I took little steps of courage with my opinions, I became more confident and took more risks. I encourage you to find ways to “know the book on you.”By that I mean understand what is said about you when you aren’t in the room. Know your results and reputation, along with what others recall of interactions with you. When those who decide your career have a limited window on your work, they may count on the perspectives of others or trust their own conclusions, even with limited exposure to you.
Research indicates that women receive less actionable and vaguer feedback. Neither men nor women want to hurt feelings, be seen as a bad person, or trigger an emotional reaction of tears or anger. In today’s post–#MeToo world, some may see giving feedback as more treacherous than before.
While most men are not worried about accusations of harassment or criminal behavior, they are more afraid than they once were of saying something wrong or unintentionally discriminatory.
A 2021 study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin indicated that women were given inflated performance feedback compared to men.
In receiving well-intended but less accurate feedback, or “little white lies,” women may be unaware of their blind spots and development opportunities. This means we need to strengthen our ability to give, get, and gain from feedback to navigate the tightrope of expectations and the possible reluctance of managers. My advice in this area is the following.
Give permission for feedback
Let the key people you work with know how valuable their input will be for your development. Set the stage at transitions so you communicate to others how you want to work, and set up a give-and-take of feedback after project milestones or during your one-on-one meetings.
When you demonstrate your openness to other’s ideas, you may help them become more open to your input. Be ready to give helpful, actionable, timely opinions on how you can improve.
Create a list of powerful questions
Use these at the start of a role or relationship. When I enter a new job, I meet with my key stakeholders and ask a set of questions to learn more about them and their expectations and concerns. Two of my favorites are “What do you hope I will do?” and “What do you fear I’ll do?”
I’ve found these questions more helpful than any set of performance objectives because they help someone identify what success looks like and what worries might be on their mind.
I also love Marshall Goldsmith’s “feedforward” concept to provide questions about the future—for example, “What’s one thing I can do better the next time I manage a product launch?”
This approach keeps things focused on the future and makes it easier for the giver to come up with something specific you can act on. Imagine if I had calmly asked Chuck, “What would ‘being tough enough’ look like in those quarterly meetings?”
Take in feedback with curiosity
When we have succeeded, we expect more of the same. When negative comments or results come our way, we have less practice dealing with them. Our emotions can flare up, like mine did, and we may get defensive.
A mirrored door drops down in front of us, and we personalize it and disrupt the learning conversation. But when we look through a lens of curiosity, we open ourselves to growth and can see new ideas and more possibility.
And most importantly, we don’t shoulder all the blame for negative feedback and perceptions of us: others’ systems and biases are part of the feedback we receive.
Get curious about the processes, systems, and culture and how they contribute to the issue. Curiosity gives us distance and objectivity. What if I had gotten curious about the toughness required of leadership? What if Chuck had gotten curious about why I was so quiet in those quarterly meetings?
Decide what feedback you will act on
Although I became a more effective communicator because of the feedback from Chuck, there was a time when acting on certain feedback would not have honored who I am.
The point is to know who you are, where you stand, and what you want, so you can determine how you want to participate. This can also help you clarify the kind of culture that enables you to thrive, so you can find a place that fits.
Remember that feedback is more about the giver and the way they view the world. In my case, the senior executives saw my warmth and likeability but not my decisions, plans, and ability to lead others and make the tough calls.
I was fortunate to have Chuck coach me to find that balance. I now see my tendencies and how I can be perceived. I’ve worked hard and have learned to show the rest of me, but still fall back into past patterns.
“Knowing the book on you” can be invaluable in taking the lead, telling the story you want to tell, and opening the mirrored door.
About the Author: Ellen Connelly Taaffe is a Clinical Associate Professor at the Kellogg School of Management, where she teaches Personal Leadership Insights and is the Director of Women’s Leadership Programming. Ellen designs and delivers the Kellogg Women’s Leadership Seminar series, the signature program for female students across Kellogg’s Full-time, Evening/Weekend, and Executive MBA programs.