By Amy Kemp
I had a conversation recently with a good friend and fellow executive coach in which we were talking about the unique challenges that women face in the work world. At the very moment in our conversation when a delivery guy pulled into our driveway with the balloons I had ordered for my son’s sixteenth birthday, my friend Lane said to me, “In all of my years as I moved up the corporate ranks and when I was a CEO, I never had to think about ordering balloons for the birthday parties or buying or wrapping presents. My wife takes care of all those home and family jobs. My responsibility was simply to go to work and to excel there.” I still can’t believe he said those words just as the doorbell to my house rang for that balloon delivery—pretty meaningful and telling timing!
I want to acknowledge this very significant difference in the life and work experiences of men and women. Even though most of us are now working full-time, women continue to do most of the unpaid labor in our world. I’m a master at delegation, and though I don’t personally do all the work, I am still the one in our house who plans and makes sure that all gifts are bought and wrapped, the Easter eggs are filled with candy, the food is purchased and prepared for family celebrations, and the cake and candles are ready for birthday parties.
I’m not complaining or resentful, and my husband will gladly help with any household chores or task if I ask him, but in the end, when I think about the slow and steady pace at which my businesses have grown over the past two decades, I have to acknowledge that all the work and planning I do for our family takes a great deal of time and energy. Some of it I enjoy, and most of it I want to do, but I don’t ever have the luxury of only focusing on my work.
If you are a woman, and if at times you feel like your progress is slower or more draining than it is for your male peers, it probably is—so stop feeling bad about it. More importantly, it isn’t slower because you aren’t as capable; it’s because you’re carrying a heavier load of unpaid labor out- side of work. I see so many leaders who are trying to lead at a high level in their work and trying to be a perfect parent and trying to run a household and trying to nurture a marriage or partnership and trying to volunteer in their schools and communities and trying to take care of themselves at a high level and, maybe even at the same time, trying to grow a fledgling business.
Because of this huge, heavy load of responsibilities, there is always a fair amount of chaos around women, and they almost always feel behind or overwhelmed. Even more often, I see these growing leaders blame themselves for a lack of ability to maintain structure or to make progress in their lives when the problem is something much larger. They are trying to do the impossible. They are trying to do well at so many things that are all full-time endeavors; many expect themselves to do it all perfectly, and then they blame themselves when they are unable to do them all. I’d like to ask all of these women, Is the system in which you are operating even capable of creating what you want?
Let’s dig deeper into this concept of unpaid labor. In her book The Moment of Lift, Melinda Gates defines unpaid labor as “work performed in the home, like childcare or other forms of caregiving, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and errands, done by a family member who’s not getting paid.”
Most women don’t even quantify the amount of time and energy this work takes on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis. We just do it without thinking.
Here is a quick survey I created that allows you to assess how many hours per month you spend on unpaid work. Next to each category of unpaid labor, I want you to estimate the number of hours you spend each month doing this kind of work. Obviously, this varies based on several factors that change during different seasons of the year and life, but we are just looking for an estimate.
Unpaid Labor Survey
Deep Cleaning
Washing and sweeping floors, cleaning bathrooms, dusting, vacuuming, washing windows, etc.
Kitchen Duty
Loading and unloading dishwasher, washing dishes, wiping down counters, cleaning out the fridge, tidying up after meal prep and after meals, etc.
Picking Up
Putting away toys, books, mail, clothes, shoes, bags, etc.
Shopping
Purchasing clothes, shoes, outerwear, and sporting equipment for everyone in your family, ordering or shopping for food, making returns for online shopping, bringing outgrown clothes to the resale shop, etc.
Outside Work
Mowing, weeding, raking leaves, taking out garbage, washing vehicle, etc.
Bookkeeping
Paying bills, managing budget, calling about utilities and phones, updating credit card information when cards expire, managing investments, preparing for and filing taxes, moving money to savings, securing insurance, etc.
Caregiving
Caring for babies or small children and elderly parents or family members, helping kids with homework, days off for sick children, driving kids or elderly relatives to activities or meetings, feeding and caring for pets, etc.
Food
Planning, preparing, and serving meals or food to take to gatherings, packing lunches, etc.
Coordination and Appointments
Haircuts, dentists, doctors, oil changes and other vehicle maintenance, accountants, financial advisors, orthodontists, lessons and practices, carpools, etc.
Special Occasions
Birthday parties, holiday parties, food prep for these events, buying and wrapping gifts, sending invitations, cleanup after events, thank-you notes.
Packing and Unpacking
For vacations, day trips, sporting events, family events, etc. Estimated monthly hours:
Laundry
Washing and drying clothes, folding, ironing, handwash and hang dry, dry cleaning, etc.
Total Estimated Monthly Hours of Unpaid Labor:
Are you astonished by the final number? Do you now know why you are so tired all the time? Do you understand why you can’t figure out how to grow your side hustle into a business that allows you to leave your full-time job? You aren’t just working a full-time job that you’re getting paid for and trying to build a business on the side; you’re also working a full-time job for which you are not getting paid!
All of this is not in any way subtracting from the importance of caregiving. It’s also saying nothing against the value of the unpaid work we are doing. Much of this work is the glue that holds together our communities and our families. I’m also not saying this work doesn’t need to be done. Whatever your gender, if the thing in life you love to do more than any other is to take care of people and your home, I encourage you to do that work with all your heart and soul. Caregiving makes life deeply meaningful. It is a vital part of our culture. If you are in a financial situation that allows you to do this free of charge and that is what you want to do, then by all means, do it! But if you are a woman working full-time and so is your partner, and you are
doing a disproportionate amount of the unpaid labor, then I have to ask you not to feel frustrated with your slower professional progress.
If all of this is hitting close to home and you want to offload some of the unpaid labor you are doing, I’d offer six quick suggestions.
- Hire someone to do one thing off your unpaid labor survey. Pick the thing that feels most draining to you.
- Be very aware of self-sabotage. You’ll find creative ways to avoid allowing someone to help you if this change runs into deeply held beliefs about what your role is, especially as a woman.
- Watch for naysayers. They will most definitely show up offering feedback on your choices to hire help or more equally distribute the unpaid labor in your home.
- Don’t depend on husbands, wives, partners, or kids. You’ll wind up frustrated. I find it’s best to hire someone else to help.
- Recognize the value of unpaid labor. What you are doing to care for your family and community is vitally important!
- Categorize this as a stewardship issue. If your gifts are in building businesses, don’t squander your energy cleaning toilets! If you love to clean toilets, then by all means do it. Use your unique gifts to serve the world.
About the Author: Amy Kemp is the owner and CEO of Amy Kemp, Inc. Within this growing company, Amy helps business professionals understand how deeply thought habits impact every part of their work and lives. You can learn more at www.amykemp.com or on social media at @amykempinc.